Stress... My Favorite Five Letter Word...
filed on Friday, November 04, 2005 at 1:11:12 AM CST

I usually do well under stress.  It's often been said that I perform best under pressure.  In fact, while I tend to bitch a lot when I get stressed out, I have to admit, I prefer a fast-paced life to dragging my feet looking for something to do.  Still, even I recognize that it's getting bad when I start talking about stress regularly, and when there's no end to the stress in sight.

As many of you know, my maternal grandfather went into the hospital back at the end of June, and bounced between hospital and nursing home for a few weeks.  Since then, his health has been of major concern.  Most recently, in September, he developed a blister that grew to the size of basically half of a tennis ball before it burst.  It then took several weeks to heal.  During this time, I ended up taking him to various doctors, having one to three appointments each week.  My day started out by changing his wrapping, and ended on the very same note.

My maternal grandmother's health has also been on the decline.  It's getting very hard for her to get around.  For quite some time now, instead of our usual trip to eat and then go shopping on Saturday, my grandmother's given me a list, money, and off to shopping I went alone.  Quite frequently she forgot to have me get something, so my day ended up being a series of trips to the store, sometimes as many as three, and usually two on average.

Missing work time due to my grandfather's appointments of course means I have to make up that time.  Getting to work later also means I have to stay at work later.  This has had the effect of making my free time evaporate into thin air.  In the past two months, I've only seen my brother when he's come up here, I've only seen my friend Hugh three times, my friend Kelly twice, and my friend Sue once.  I had to miss seeing Weezer and the Foo Fighters because of my schedule, though I did manage to get out to see Ben Folds with Jill.  I made it to one haunted house with my co-worker Grisel.  And I almost missed the last company poker night because of needing to catch up at work.

Of course, in the process of all of this, I missed visiting my sister, Jenni, and have not yet seen my newborn nephew Jay.  I haven't had a chance to call her yet (yes, I know it's been over a month) because I don't tend to call people after 9:00 PM unless I'm sure it's okay, and my days have been quite replete with stuff that I just don't really have time to devote to a decent conversation.  I don't really want to be rude and call up and say, "Hey, how's it going, sorry I missed Jay's birth, talk to ya later," and while many people would say, "Make time," I wish it were that easy.

And, my brother somehow seems to think I'm avoiding him, or pushing him out of my life, or something.  I really wish I could convey to him how much I want to go visit him.  I hate to call him to tell him I can't make it down.  In fact, one weekend, I didn't, because I snapped from the pressure of everything going on, and just sat in my bedroom all weekend, save going shopping, because I didn't want to do or deal with anything, and I knew if I called him that I'd get to hear about how I was letting him down again.

In fact, the following weekend, I called to let him know I'd worked late and wouldn't make it down that night (a Friday night), and got a nice dose of how I'd better get down there.  I told him I'd head down after shopping on Saturday (because I'd worked so late Friday, I didn't get out early, and wasn't going to get shopping done early).  Well, I ended up getting a bad cold.  I could tell it was getting bad, and after shopping and getting worse, I called him to let him know I couldn't make it (it'd be one thing if it was just down the street... a four hour drive while getting sick isn't a good idea).  I could hear the disappointment in his voice (not that I blame him for being disappointed, mind you), and that was that.

I mean, I understand he'd like to see me, and that I need to get down and visit Jenni and see baby Jay.  I just wish I could show him what's going on in my head.  That I miss seeing him round about every other weekend, or at least once a month.  That if I could just up and quit my job with no ramnifications at all, and head down to the Springfield area, I would (but I'm not going to throw away my career at Namco... I'm approaching my 7th anniversary there, and I plan on celebrating my 15th there in another 8 years).  That if there was some way for me to be two places at once, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I also know that having to make multiple trips to the store for my grandparents may seem stupid.  Or that having to spend time helping them out is inconvenient.  And so forth.  But there's no real way I could walk away from this situation.  Next to my sister Veronica's dad, my maternal grandparents have been the most influential people in my life, and were always there (whether I liked it or not) when I was a child.  My own mother, their own daughter, hardly lifts a hand to aid them, and my uncle's washed his hands of the whole situation.  I can't just turn my back on them.  Yeah, as my brother once told me, they're sorta controlling my life.  But, there's not a lot I can do about that.  They've given me a place to live, and even barring that, I'd still feel that I should help them.

And, as if things weren't crazy enough, my mom and my sister Veronica came down here last Monday to help clean up the house.  I had been under the impression that they were just coming down to visit for a couple of days, but then my mom drops the bomb on me that Grandpa asked her to come down to help get things into order so that he and Grandma could go to a nursing home.  Which is funny since he hasn't said a thing to me about that.  At all.  And you'd sorta think he would, though, admittedly, he still hasn't told me what his kidney doctor's been telling him.  I get that all fourth hand from my sister.

But then when my mom started talking to him about it on Tuesday, he looked at her like she had three heads.  Which makes me believe my mother's doing her strange having a conversation in her head by herself and mistaking it for a real conversation thing — which, sadly, is something she's done several times before.  So, through this Monday, I had her here driving me insane.

Just as example, my mother took my Grandpa's car out for an oil change last Wednesday afternoon.  Last Wednesday was also my poker night at work.  I didn't get home until after midnight, and Wednesday is our garbage night (picked up on Thursday morning, of course).  I was already dreading how late it was, but the evening was a quite welcome change of pace from my overly hectic life.  Well, I get home, the garage door is open, no sign of Grandpa's car, and I'm wondering where the hell she is.

I get inside, and Grandma and Grandpa are asleep in the living room, so I go back to my room, eat my ultra-late dinner, and then start doing the garbage.  As I head out into the living room, Grandma, who is now awake, asks me if I've seen my mother.  Of course, I have to tell her no.  Well, after I get the last of the garbage out, and have stood in the living room for fifteen, twenty minutes talking with my grandma while grandpa's in the bathroom, I see mom drive up.

So I go out, and ask her where she's been.  Of course, I already had it nailed down to either her friend Don's, or at Brian and Char's (Brian, by the way, was my mom's third husband... yes, that Brian).  Well, she was over at Brian and Char's watching the Sox win the World Series.  Of course, she couldn't even be bothered to tell my grandparents where she was going before she left Bolingbrook and headed for Stickney.  That's just the kind of responsibility she's got.  Both me and my grandparents chewed her out.

Well, anyway, Sunday night, my sister gets word that she has to head back home to Michigan because of some personal issues involving my nephew, Grant.  Now, had David (mom's current husband) followed Roni's suggestion of letting her and mom drive down in her van, Roni could have just headed home.  Instead, David drove all the way down to drop them off last Monday and headed home Tuesday.  I'm sure he had his reasons, but I sort of agree with Roni that her plan made more sense.

Roni's got to get home, and we all know Grandpa's car would need some work before attempting a trip from Bolingbrook to the Travers City, Michigan area (5 to 6 hours away depending on traffic and stops for food and bathroom).  With no other good alternative, I called into work Sunday night and let my boss know I'd be heading north in the morning, and would see him Tuesday.  So I drove all the way north to drop my mom and sister off, had about a half-hour or so break, and then turned around and drove home.  About fourteen and a half hours later, I was home, about thirteen hours on the road.  But, as I told my sister, I knew she needed to get home, and I'd do it any day of the week.

I've got a deadline at work... one I'm certain I'll meet, but one that is of serious importance.  And so I'm putting in as many hours as necessary to ensure that I can go live with my project on the 10th.  Yes, that's next Thursday.

So, yeah... there's good reason my blog's been fairly empty.  My life's been chaotic, at best.  And I know I need to get down and visit my brother and sister.  I absolutely, positively want to get down there, and most of all, I want to see my nephew!  I just hope that everyone has patience with me.  It's been a rough, and I'm doing the best I can.  I'm not saying I haven't made mistakes, or missed some opportunities... just that when I get home at night and unwind sitting in front of my computer watching television or killing things on World of Warcraft or Ultima Online, I'm trying to relax and let my mind unwind.  I'll get caught up with everything eventually, but in the meantime, I'll do the best I can.