Don't Mind Me... I'm Smoking and Driving, and on My Cell Phone Too...
filed on Thursday, November 06, 2003 at 12:00:09 AM CST

Fucking assholes. Fucking fucktards. God damned idiot drivers in these suburbs.

Okay, so I admit, I am guilty of the lead foot from time to time, and yes, I do drive and talk on my cellphone. However, I also am capable of walking and chewing gum, so the latter confession isn't much for me. If you can hold a conversation while driving, fine. We all know you don't really need two hands to drive -- if you did, manual transmissions would be a thing of the past. But how the bloody hell someone thinks they can smoke a cigarette while holding a conversation on a hand-held cellphone AND drive is far beyond me. Yet, there I was on Gary Avenue, coming off of the Elgin-O'Hare (which touches neither Elgin nor O'Hare... don't ask me, I didn't name the stupid highway), and saw someone doing just that.

Which is okay, because most people can't merge these days either. I'm one of those drivers who won't drive up to the absolute last moment and cut in front of traffic just to get where I want to be. I merge when I see an opening, and get out of that lane as soon as possible. Now, I understand if you're in the lane that merges that maybe you don't feel like being polite and getting out of it before it ends. But at least learn how to merge without causing problems. The REAL assholes of the merge are the ones that cause me to throw my car between two lanes and toss open my door to keep them from going around me (and yes, I've done it)... they're the assholes who had ALREADY merged or been in the lane that was being merged into and said, "Hey, those people are getting ahead of me, I'm going to get into the merge lane and cut about six cars ahead, because, you know, I'm a total prick."

Turn signals? I swear to god, most of the people in Chicagoburbia haven't figured out what one is. Someone signals that they want to change lanes, I let up on the gas, step on my brake, and let them in. They've been polite, they've told me what they want to do, and I'm going to let them do it. Which generally pisses off the fucktard behind me, who starts swearing at me, waving his arms emphatically, dropping his cellphone and coffee cup in the process.

It's a wonder anyone can get anywhere on these roads without dying. People are afraid of terrorists and crashing airplanes? Give me a break. Drive in the Chicago Suburbs for a bit, and tell me you're not ready to hop onto a 747 with a few Al Qaeda. I mean really, it's a freaking nightmare.

Not that driving in Chicago is much better, but at least then it's entertaining. How many times can you be cut off by a taxi cab who comes to a complete stop in front of you for no damned reason, lay on the horn for a good thirty seconds, and get to watch him speed off, cut across three lanes of traffic, and make a left just to get away from you?

In Chicago, I have one simple theory... You value your car more than I value mine. It's worked so far, because people stop and let you in when you make it completely obvious that you're willing to take out the side of their car if they don't. Warning to the home viewers: This tactic does NOT work with cabbies or bus drivers. They operate by a more base instinct... You value your car more than they value theirs, and they're making money the faster they cut you off. Can't always win.

Okay, I think I'm done ranting about Chicago driving. That guy driving with no hands (Look, ma! No brains!) really irked me... I'm over it now.