No, I Don't Want Four Chalupas!
filed on Thursday, December 11, 2003 at 9:02:36 AM CST

Before I go off on this tangent I'm about to drive down in a monster truck, crushing everything I happen to come across, let me say this. I do not believe that everyone in the United States of America should be required to speak English. That said, I also don't think I should have to be fluent in Mexican Spanish in order to place an order at Taco Bell or Wendy's, nor should I have to be fluent in order to correct their mistakes.

Let me work my way back from there...

You see, I went to Taco Bell for dinner this evening. I went through the drive-thru. This is the Taco Bell I go to when I'm in my right mind because unlike the other local Taco Bell, I don't have to repeat my order four times. "I'd like a number four with soft tacos and a Wild Cherry Pepsi." Pause to let him finish ringing that up. "I'd also like a Grilled Steak Fajita Burrito Supreme." Could we have any more adjectives in that one item? It's worth it though... one of the best things they've ever come up with. And like I say, if I'd placed the same order at the OTHER Taco Bell, I'd have heard back, "You want which number?" "With what kind of tacos?" "What kind of drink?" "Pepsi?" "Oh, Wild Cherry Pepsi." "What else?" "Steak or Chicken?" By that time I'd have been ready to get out of my car and throttle the guy inside, so this other Taco Bell is eminently better.

Tonight's the first time they ever screwed up my order too. Now mind you, I understand they were busy, it was dinner rush, and there just happened to be two orders with a Mexican Pizza and three wrapped taco-like products, so that's fine. I worked fast food once, and even I made a mistake from time to time. But I did not want Chalupas, Sam I Am. See, I eat the pizza and the fajita burrito, and save the two soft taco supremes for later. Chalupas are thicker and since they got rid of the Santa Fe sauce, I'm not all that excited about them. Now, yes, I admit, this is partially my fault for not having checked each item. I just did a quick, "Yep, pizza, and three wrapped taco-things... that's about right," and moved on.

So I called them after I got home and went to eat, realizing my order wasn't in front of me. "Hello, I was in about a half-hour ago, and I ended up with someone else's order." "What did you order?" "A number four with soft tacos, and a grilled steak fajita burrito supreme." "What did you get?" "Three chalupas and a Mexican pizza." "So what's wrong with your order?" "It's not what I ordered." "Do you have the receipt?" "Yeah, for someone else's order." "Okay, come in and we'll take care of it."

I'm sure that read right to you, but believe me, I'm being generous and putting it all in proper English. It took me four and a half minutes to get across to him that I had the wrong order. But, okay, I'll go in, everything'll be fine. I drive back, get there, go inside with the wrong order, and go up to the counter. "How may I help you?" Explain it again. "Hold on." Manager comes over. Explain it again. "You don't like Chalupas?" By this time, I'm thinking to myself, It's not a question of whether or not I like the bloody fucking Chalupas, it's that I didn't ORDER the bloody fucking Chalupas. But I retain my cool and explain again... this is what I ordered, this is what I got. After drawing a roadmap to my order (somehow he thought I said "four" at some point, and then steak miraculously turned into chicken for about thirty seconds), I got my order and was on my way. He did throw in some of the cinnamon twists, which was nice, and he did apologize, and everything's good. Thankfully what's going on in my head is always hiding in the recesses of my mind in customer service situations like this (I learned that trick from actually BEING in customer service for many, many years), so I never lost my temper. But the whole while, I'm thinking, this would be SO much easier if he had a solid grasp on the English language.

Which flashed me back to a visit I had to Wendy's one day. "Yes, I'd like a Caesar side salad, a side salad with ranch dressing, and four quarter pound double-stacks with cheese." $6.00 on the value menu, sans-tax. "Your total is three dollars (and some change)." I blink twice. "No it isn't. What did you get on there?" "Caesar side salad, side salad with ranch, quarter pound double-stack with cheese." "That should be four quarter pound double-stacks with cheese." "Yeah. Quarter pound double-stack with cheese." "FOUR of them." "Please pull up to the window." I pull up, and she's still got the same total. "Do you have four double-stacks on there?" She holds out the receipt to show me that, indeed, there is ONE quarter-pound double-stack with cheese, and again repeats my total. "I want FOUR." "Yeah, it's on there." By now, I'm about ready to start slamming my head into the steering wheel ala The Whole Nine Yards just to make the hurting stop. "FOUR!" I say loudly, holding up four fingers. Another cashier comes up. "What's wrong?" "I would like four double-stacks." She says the same damned thing. "It's on there." So I hold up my fingers very slowly and say the word "FOUR" again. This time she gets it, and re-rings the order. I'm not kidding you. Six minutes for FOUR quarter pound double-stacks with cheese.

Now, back to the topic at hand. Do you know how much easier it would be if people in Customer Service positions were REQUIRED to speak the English language? And I don't mean "tourist English." I mean the real language. ALL of it. Don't get me wrong... I don't expect to go into a Chinese restuarant or an authentic Mexican restaurant, or any other ethnic related authentic food place (or store, or whatever), and have the staff speak English. To me, that's part of the authenticity of the restaurant. I also don't expect to have great English spoken in China-town or any of the other ethnic regions downtown. Again, that's totally fine, understandable, and acceptable. But for crying out loud, Taco Bell is NOT authentic Mexican food. I should NOT have to have a doctorate in Spanish to place my order.

And I know... I know this opinion is not politically correct. Because, you know, this is the Great Melting Pot. Boy, you better believe, the immigrants of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s... they all came to America for the dreams it represented, and they learned English because it was the language of the land. I'm not saying someone shouldn't be bi- or tri-lingual or whatever they can manage. That's fine.

But then, we reach the arguement that has been used by several groups of people. "Well, it doesn't say anywhere that the official language of the United States of America is English." My response is simple. "The hell it doesn't." Our money is not printed in Spanish. Our Constitution was not written in French. The Declaration of Independence is not in Swahilli. Our Pledge of Allegiance is not some Mandarin dialect. They are all English. For crying out loud, I've got an online friend who LIVES in Mexico, and I never knew it til he told me. Why? Because online, in chatrooms, and in Ultima Online, he had better English than some of the teenagers who frequent the game. I would just never have known.

Of course, that brings me to a whole different rant for a whole different day. Wouldn't it be nice if those who are expected to speak and read and write English had a grasp on the language as well?

*sigh*